My God...

Spoken to the choice generation... Heavy on my mind this November morning is my 61yrold mother... tomorrow is her 61st birthday. This woman is many wonderful things to me. I am her spitting image in appearance with my fathers height and a beautiful blend of both their personalities. I got the best of both worlds. More than anything, my mother taught me faith. She has been the most dominant example of God’s love to me. She has taught me, guided me, disciplined me... she poured out the best of her. She made many mistakes, but now that I am grown and a mother myself, I don’t blame her for her mistakes, instead, I identify with and recognize her perspective. She introduced me to God, literally. A God whom I have come to know for myself. The God of truth. The infinite God. The Omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent, magnificent God. The God of all creation. The creator of the universe. The author of man kind. The beginning. The end. The first. The last. The unchanging. The unfailing. The Alpha. The Omega. The one who shares His glory with no other. Yet still, the all loving, all caring, all knowing, all perceiving, and always just- The God of truth. She taught me that this God is to whom all praise, all honor, all reverence, all power and all allegiance is due. And, He shares His glory with no other. This God through His son, whom He sent to us so we could somehow deal with this hole we got ourselves in- you know, the creation story - also prescribed the way in which we should live. First, because He made me in His likeness, He gave me FREE WILL. Then after that, He gave me power where satan placed fear, He gave me love and a sound mind as well for purposes of navigating interaction with this world He created. God who is all powerful gives power over fear. Fear is of the devil. He is also the guy of killing your ambition, destroying your dreams and stealing your joy. My mother also taught me that this is all the knowledge of God you need to navigate the world. Identify with God’s order. His way and His methods. For example- fear and all its children; I.e. manipulation, intimidation, and control. Those are products of the principalities of darkness. Because where the devil manipulated and controls, God prompts and directs- with the eternal caveat of FREE WILL. So anything, and most importantly anyone that is in the threefold ministry of killing, stealing, and destroying your God given rights and freedoms- that is a principality of evil. Anyone or anything that controls you, seeks to manipulate you and or intimidate you - to inspire fear, that is not of God! God gives LOVE, He gives POWER, and the infinite liberty of a sound mind. Also, my mother taught me- God has infinite power over all. Period. He in His wisdom has given the power to bless or curse to ones parents. He has hence instructed unconditional honor and respect to parents, with an extension to all defined parental authority. He has given a promise of long life to those that honor their parents. Beyond parents, God in His Wisdom has also INSTITUTED authority in certain offices or positions. To this, He taught His people to revere, respect, and obey - for as long as the instituted power is SUBMITTED to Him. How would you know who is submitted to God- you would ask? Good question! I think the answer is not rocket science. Any authority that is submitted to God, is Godly authority. You can’t submit to Him and not be like Him. So- if a seat of authority inspires fear, control and manipulates its people, instead of loving them, inspiring power and harnessing the soundness of mind- IT IS NOT GODLY! Any authority that kills its people, destroys their pride, steals their joy, their hope, and breaks their spirit is NOT GODLY! I believe firmly that I have no business being submitted to authority that is not Godly. Mimi, namwogopa Mungu pekee!! I revere only God. My mother, she has taught me many things. She is my friend, my sister, my mentor and my mother. Today, the thing for which I am most grateful, is that she taught me faith, that she introduced me to my God.

Broke, broken, afraid and alone

It has been a long time since I sat and put my thoughts together...it has been a long time since I had the time to think even. I start off this post from an unfamiliar desposition...I am very well accustomed to being in the environs of fear, anxiety, desperation, anger and pain. Allow me to take you back with me five years ago today... 11th September 2012- heavily pregnant with my second child... Broke, broken, afraid and alone. I had my son slightly over one month later and I wasn't sure we'd live to see his first birthday. 11th September 2013 -moving my small family of three out of Nairobi, following a job,..in search of some peace and quiet...oblivious of the fact that all the noise was coming from My heart, it was the noise from a weeping spirit crying out to the universe...desperate for some direction, for some reassurance...broke, broken, afraid, and alone. 11th September 2014 -doing anything and everything that did not allow me time to think or feel...wondering where God was...wondering whether this was it, was all that hype about living life culminating to this??...broke, broken, afraid and alone...like never before. 30th July 2015- following 7months of chasing the wind, in Pretoria, South Africa...I was faced with the most difficult question I have ever been asked yet; Marc Accetta (God Bless his heart), in hartfield arena- where I was thanks to my friends Helen Kithinji and Jayne Sigilai (women I will never forget), asked us to answer honestly the question, What do you want more than anything else in this world, and why don't you have it? He also asked, following an honest answer to that question, that we write down exactly what one needed to do in order to have that thing that one wanted more than anything. broke, broken, afraid and alone, but, tired of it. 11th September 2015- Restoring factory settings...undoing lies and seeking truths, rediscovering self, letting go and letting God, learning to listen and hear only the voices that matter, learning to see miracles in ordinary occurrences, learning to be still, forgiving, repenting. Broke but provided for, broken but getting mended, afraid but covered, alone but in the presence of God. Sometime in december, in one of my sister's houses, we were talking about our plAns for the new year, I remember that I had no plans for 2016. I said I was tired of planning and failing and so I had decided that in 2016, I was going to go where God says I go, do what God says I do, and let the chips fall where they may. And I did just that. 2016: Rest. Restoration. Redemption. Redefinition. Shameless Audacity. Unwavering Faith. Unmovable devotion. The heart of worship. 2017: Obedience. Sacrifice. Devotion. Determination. Dedication. And to quote my brother, an indefatigable spirit. Today, 11th September 2017 as I sit here, facing the ocean, in the unfamiliar but comfortable precincts of peace, calm, stability, assurance, contentment and overwhelming gratitude, I cannot help but marvel at the doing of God. I am a writer but my words at this moment feel grossly inadequate. Oh for when my heart is overwhelmed, Lord, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Restored. Redeemed. Redefined. Hon. Wanjiru L. Njeru.

The Commitment Story

Commitment, the word that gives many men a brain freeze, and sends a nervous chill down the spine of anyone that cares to really think what the word means, is defined as the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc. It is also defined as an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. Some of the synonyms include responsibility, obligation, duty, tie, liability. Well, in all honesty, with synonyms like those, who wouldn’t be a bit unravelled? However, let us explore what we really think commitment means… What do we hear when we hear the word commitment. What picture comes to mind? Well, I think the picture painted by one of my dear friends made the perception of commitment amongst men eerily vivid for me. My friend, who we can call Sam, is relatively happily married for almost a decade now. He is a good guy…the rare kind whose flaws are legion but vices are few. He’s biggest undoing is his mouth and his zeal so basically, he’s a good guy. Funny thing, whenever he congratulates a married couple, he will shake the hand of the groom, look him in the eye and with an uncunningly knowing look and say, “bruh, welcome to Shaw shank”. Now, if you haven’t watched Morgan Freeman’s Shaw shank redemption, you do not know what that means. Shaw shank in the movie is this prison that defines rank and sets the bad-ass bar amongst criminals. It is also extremely hardcore, the kind of correctional facility that puts all your human faculties to the test, requires mental fortitude to survive and is impossible to get out off once you’re in there. You can see why I thought the co-relation was interesting. So I bought a few beers and picked his brain on how he drew this conclusion. It was enlightening: 1 – Men believe marriage is an eternal dating arrangement with a few additional perks. Call it shallow but for the men, marriage is supposed to be an extension of the dating arrangement with a few ownership advantages. They want to have your cool, pleasant, supportive, fun, sweet self; living in instead of visiting, with the add-on benefits if cooking, cleaning and ‘cookie’. You can add a baby or two in there if you like. 2 – Men assume that you know who they are. When a guy gets on their knees, ask the million dollar question and you leap for joy, cry a little and yelp a big yes, they assume that you know exactly what you’re saying yes to. They assume that you have innate wisdom to understand that men don’t like to be nagged, I.e. don’t ask the same question more than twice – regardless of whether you get an answer or not. They assume that you’re saying a big yes to their friends, their family and their pets/toys. They assume that you understand the pecking order where these are concern and exactly where you fall in that pecking order. They assume that you’re saying yes and crying for joy from the gratitude in your heart, that they found you deserving of this rare opportunity to have a front row seat at their unravelling life and, that you’re saying yes is a willingness to roll with the punches, with a perky cheerleader attitude and preferably very few questions. 3 – Men expect that marriage will be fun for you. Many times men marry because they deeply care about you and can’t live without you. No. False. Fallacy. Men, marry you because they care about you, you fit well with them and they do not want anyone else to get the privileges that they enjoy. It’s unbelievable but apparently, marriage for men is more territory and legacy focused than it is love and companionship focused. They’re happy that you’re all starry eyed and mushy, but for them it’s not about the cuddles and the giggles, it’s about the empire. However, they expect that you understand this and that when you’re saying yes to them, you’re saying that you will have fun building their legacy; that you will be as passionate about it as they are, that what matters to them will matter to you. Now, here is where it gets interesting. It is the testimony of 7/10 men that while they thought all the above was common knowledge, they were utterly shocked by what a few months or years in marriage revealed. They have no idea what happens to the calm, easy, sweet, fun, playful chic they proposed to. Women suddenly become administrators. They become this in charge, critical, uptight, fretful and self-righteous people. Women become more concerned with what the man does and who he does it with, than with who he is and where he’s headed. They are shocked by women’s complaints. Why? Because they wonder what is so surprising or new now that you did not see before. Men like clockwork are accused of changing by their wives. This is perturbing to most men because according to them, they have never been more themselves! What do women want? This is the frustrated rhetorical question of many men. What they’re wondering is, why are you so miserable? Why aren’t you enjoying all this life that’s happening? This quagmire leaves a lot of men feeling cheated and short changed. This is followed by many a Shaw shank conversations during football match watching and boys hangout moments, which Sam tells me is the few minutes in a grown married man’s life where he feels completely free. The feeling I am told would imaginably be the same as that of a midterm break from Shaw shank. We could therefore argue, are men really afraid of commitment or are they afraid of the shuttered dream or unmet expectations? Duty, obligation and responsibility is the kind of stuff that the military is built upon. There are definitely more men in uniform than there are women. Men are inherently built to crave this things. It’s in their DNA. Yet, in the military, you could die…like literally. It then is not the dedication to a family or the obligations of matrimonial unions that bother men when they think of the “I Do”, neither is it for cowardice or irresponsibility that they drag their feet. Men are afraid of feeling caged with someone they do not understand, or worse that does not understand them. They are afraid of the Shaw shank syndrome. They are comfortable in a war zone because the enemy is defined and the rules are clear. Faced with miss diva that complains about everything, wants to move in and change the very orbit where the man’s world revolves, that man will not pop the question. He does not want to find himself at a loss in marriage because the person who is supposed to be his wingman turns into an enemy informant, (enemy i.e. anyone who isn’t in the marriage union) and then shortly, their wingman joins forces with the enemy and they find themselves standing alone. If you study the psychology of men via their relationship patterns, you will see that a man will sustain even what may seem like a dysfunctional relationship as long as it works for his needs. Men are not afraid of commitment. Men are terrified of getting permanently enjoined to someone that they do not believe will root for them come hell, or high water. They are reluctant to lay down their life for an undeserving cause. Actually, men simply require or need to see demonstrated by their partner, a possibility of mutual intensity in the duty and obligation and most important the loyalty that is required for a strong marriage and they will be on board. What we interpret as commitment phobia is actually the chance for the wingman to earn their stripes. So ladies, if you think the guy is stalling, you might simply be needing to show him that this girl be loyal :)

Pick your poison II ... Bound by the Cord:

There is a very special bond between mothers and their children. The kind of bond that humanity has been unable to explain…or fully understand. This deep connection is functional and integral for the survival of a child. It is the difference between a balanced and healthy human being and a messed up person. It is also the kind of relationship that is naturally designed to evolve, from one of complete dependency to one of mutual or co-dependency. For this relationship to remain healthy, it has to make this evolution as the years advance and the children become adults. It is no secret that mothers have an especially intimate bond with their sons. The pregnancy of a male child is different from that of female child. This continues when the baby is born. Boys are parented different from girls because they are different. Psychologists say that male children have three distinct relationship phases in life; 0-6yrs of age, they are mummy’s children. They are possessive in a childish way and much attached to their mothers. The first transition happens as they begin to recognise that their gender is different from their mother’s and that they need to act different because of it. At this point, they begin to gravitate towards the men in their lives. This continues until they are teenagers. At this point, the protective nature of men kicks in to the little men’s psyche. They begin to defend fiercely what is innately theirs, and of course this begins with their mother. Now, contrary to popular belief, a man who has a strong relationship with his mother is a good one to find. Men who have the inherent gene to protect and defend their mothers have already learnt the very important virtue of chivalry. Men that love their mothers and will move heaven and earth to make her happy will often love their women with the same kind of dedication. The problem usually presents when you have an immature/insecure mother or one that hasn’t the wisdom to realise that their son’s interests in adult life are heavily dependent on their getting the right partner. The problem also stems from having prospective partners who are not smart enough to realise that undermining the woman that their man has loved all their lives isn’t the smartest play. Here are some nuggets I have come across that should help safely navigate the mama’s boy waters: Mothers and Daughters-in-law are not competitors: This is supposed to be obvious, I mean one is a mother, the other is a wife/girlfriend/ not a mother!! Why oh why would two people with such distinctly different roles in a person’s life feel the need to compete? Mother’s should recognise quickly that this new entrant in their son’s life will have roles that they will never occupy, regardless how good they are. They should realise that while it may seem like loyalties have shifted, their position is not contestable, a mother is the only person is a person’s life that is irreplaceable. So, in essence, allowing one to be threatened by your child’s partner is the ultimate sign of immaturity on the mother’s part. Daughters-in-law should equally realise that their man’s mother is a mother. It does not matter what you think of them, you must honour them. It is also prudent for ladies to stay on their lane. If the man loves you, he will handle his mother, it is not your fight. Manipulation vs. Synergy: The thing that usually proves a massive pain in the life of dating a mama’s boy is all the manipulation that goes into the relationship. The two women in the man’s life are so consumed with being the leading lady, they forget that their on the same side. The mother pulls her strings, and the lady pulls her strings. This results in one very confused man. We never really stop to think what it does to a man when they need to constantly play mediator/referee between their mother and their partner. It is a proven theory that a man is happiest when their mother and partner get along. Synergy goes a longer ways than pulling in opposite directions. Mothers, be aware of your position. Own your God given role. Do not reduce yourself to the position of someone who is replaceable and dare I say dispensable. Speak out your reservations where you have some and then trust that you raised a man who can make his own decisions. Respect his decision. If he is making a mistake, he needs to arrive at that conclusion himself. Ladies, the man cannot marry his mother. He chose you. Find ways to get along with his mother even if she is a pain, it is in your best interest. Acknowledge that she has loved your man longer and probably loves him more than you. If she sees you as an asset to her son, she will defend you just as fiercely as she defends him, so make yourself an asset to her son. And finally, if you do get to popping her grand babies, she is about the most reliable baby sitter you will have, and you want her in your corner. ;-)

Pick your poison

What you tell someone when they need to make a choice between two horrible options. When the choices are whether to keep your illegitimate child and drop out of school or have an abortion; admit to an affair and end your marriage or keep quiet and transmit the S.T.I. you have; cheat in your exams and graduate as a clueless doctor or fail and loose your scholarship; ignore the sponsor and get kicked out of your house for arrears or pleasure the sponsor and have a roof over your head; Lie and face the consequences if caught and those of lying or tell the truth and face the consequences of your actions only...i could go on and on. The thing about choosing between hell and high water is, it does not matter which option you take, somehow, in the end, one way or the other, by some measure, you are screwed. So, it is simply determining which demons you want to bed with. ...to be continued.

It must be the weather...

It must be the weather. The Nairobi weather these days is more erratic and unpredictable than a preggers woman's mood. It must be the weather that has me in this space. I wonder if its just me...but these days I oscillate between having unwavering faith, a positive attitude, looking forward to the future...daring to dream; and hoping, wishing, praying that I could if I would close my eyes and find myself somewhere in the dusty, arid and remote villages in turkana...in my very own grass thatched hut (assuming they live in huts). The proud sixth wife of the village chief (because I need to be married to someone important) heavily pregnant with my 8th child. Sometimes, this ordinarily dreadful scenario seems like the epitome of simplicity. It seems to me in my grey days that life to that heavily pregnant turkana woman is simple. Her biggest concern at the moment would be whether her 8th child will be her sixth son or her third daughter. Secretly she is hoping for a girl because her eldest just got married and she is hence short handed with the chores. See to this woman children are a task force, they are hands to ease the chores and little entertainers at the evening fire. Then if its a girl, especially if she can convince the chief to allow her at least a few years of school, ultimately, this child will translate to a handsome bride price. Children are not hundreds of thousands of shillings in maternity and post natal care before a few millions in school fees.They are not years of crazy domestic helps and frantic schedules. You can understand then why this weather has me wishing I was a chiefs sixth wife somewhere as far from private schools and playstations as possible. Surely that womans reality must be how it was supposed to be. That mzungu who had nothing better to do than build a ship and bring their complications to Africa needed to check himself. Now i would be pounding away at some dry maize, topless, and feeling nothing. Victoria secret would have nothing on me. Then I look at my manicured nails, I look around this beautiful restaurant and inhale deeply...taking in the beautiful scent of J-Lo's Glowing Perfume (which is about to run out) and I wonder if I would last a minute in that grass thatched hut. I am seated here clicking away at my smart gadget awaiting my sumptuous lunch as i ponder on how much easier the life of a village woman in turkana must be. This weather must be making my mind beautiful if having one meal a day or none at all seems appealing. If having calluses on my hands and smelling like goat seems dreamily easy. But i think i would survive the smells, what i am sure i wouldn't survive is the lack of tapped water. the inability to take a shower after a day in the dusty outdoors, that would drive me crazy. This unpredictable weather wont let me forget my unpredictable complicated realities. But today, right now,this weather has my mind somewhere in turkana and my heart yearning for scorching heat, cow dung scented clothes, no need for tooth brushes and looking forward to domestic childbirth.

Since its been a while...

Oh my, where to start? so Someone ...a former teacher of mine just told me that today i am so active on my social media page that i am like bacteria, all over! Imagine that! Only a high-school teacher can liken social media activity to bacteria! Makes me think of just how far i have come. Growing up is tough, its surprising...but its also liberating. If he had said that to me when i was in high school i would have taken it as an insult. I would have hung my head in shame and interpreted it to mean that i need to shut up! Ha! Not now! Almost two decades after that era, i am here very tickled and now thinking of just how a powerful organism bacteria is. So much so that without any bacteria, you die and with too much bacteria you die. So integral to human existence that our body has good bacteria and bad bacteria. So, i take up the role of good bacteria..because who i am is my choice. Ola! Its been a while. The children have grown. B is almost my height! He is a charming, quietly intelligent, and humorous young man. A is almost no longer a baby. Cute, cheeky and cuddly! this one has me wrapped around his little finger...i just hope he doesn't know it yet. These two are my peeps...along this journey of life. We have been through so much together these nine years. They continue to give me focus, temper my adventurous spirit, propel me to think and strive towards marks higher than myself. I hope one day we will sit down and reminisce of all the places we have been together...all the experiences we have shared..how my experiences impacted them and vice versa. I hope one day they will understand why i do what i do...and if they do not understand, that they will ask me to explain myself. I hope one day they will say the words of Taj Jackson, "Mama, I will never forget what you've done for me...and i will do my best to make you proud of me." I hope they will be proud of the decisions i have made, the life i will have built for them...and most of all, i hope they will be smart enough to learn from the mistakes i have made not to make the same ones. I hope they continue to feel the love i have for them...in every hug, in every kiss...in every spanking. Its been a while. I have grown. I have shed some weight...physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel way lighter. I feel better. I am inching towards being whole again. There are days when i am ok...in-charge..., then there are days when i have to summon all my strength and mental fortitude to get out of bed. The days where i have to cry if only to silence the demons that are seated in their place enumerating all my faults, flaws and failures. Those days remind me the importance of putting one foot in-front of the other. They teach me to appreciate mornings...literally. Because with every morning comes another chance... another opportunity to make it count. Growth does not happen in comfort zones. I am looking forward to the comfort beyond this growth period though. I look forward to being like good bacteria...so integral to the processes that be that my absence would cause a stir. Life is unbelievably fluid. But, a few things remain true...one, that God is sovereign..He knows all, sees all, hears all, owns all. He is before all things and in Him, and only Him, all things hold together. Two, Faith is the absence of fear...the complete and total release of mortal definite control to the one Infinite and Immortal God. Three, while life is not corporate, and each one is responsible for what they make theirs, life is meant to be much like a canvas, only, you pick and choose who gets the privilege to leave a mark on it. Life is more bearable when you choose to love and allow yourself to be loved. Its been a while...so i will leave that there...for now.